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ONLY IN SCOTLAND 4/12/2017
A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy
to speak to the chemist. The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded
cotton bandana, opens it to reveal a smaller silk square
which he unfolds to reveal a condom. The condom has a number
of patches on it. He holds it up. 'How much to repair it?' the Scot asks the pharmacist.'Six
pence, ' says the chemist. ...
1 Comentários, 21 Visualizações,
3 Votos
,3.43 Pontuação
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Trained 29/11/2017
An old man who'd lived all his life back up in the hills
came to visit a childhood friend. Now he'd never laid
eyes on a train or the iron rails on which they run. Standing in the middle of the tracks one day, he heard a distant
whistle... WOOOO--ooo---OOOOO! but didn't have
a clue as to what it meant or his impending danger. Predictably, the old boy is hit -- fortunately ...
1 Comentários, 22 Visualizações,
4 Votos
,4.41 Pontuação
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Mick & Paddy 26/11/2017
Mick met Paddy in the street and said, 'Paddy, will
you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your
wife in future?' 'Bejaysus Why?' Paddy asked. 'Because, ' said Mick, 'the whole street
was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday.'
Paddy said, 'Stupid bastards, the laugh's on
them ... I wasn't home yesterday.'
1 Comentários, 21 Visualizações,
5 Votos
,4.12 Pontuação
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Paddy 24/11/2017
Paddy walks into his GP's surgery and punches doctor!
He then shouts "You bastrd telling my wife she has
a nice fanny!" The doctor says "I told her she's got acute angina..!"
1 Comentários, 17 Visualizações,
6 Votos
,4.22 Pontuação
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Deodoranjt 20/11/2017
I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom. I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.
1 Comentários, 13 Visualizações,
5 Votos
,4.45 Pontuação
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Near Death Experience 20/11/2017
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the
hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death
experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months
and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital
and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and
a tummy tuck. She ...
0 Comentários, 23 Visualizações,
5 Votos
,3.80 Pontuação
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The Blonde and the Casino 20/11/2017
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps table.
A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand
rand (R20, 000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much
luckier when I'm Completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice
and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
...
0 Comentários, 23 Visualizações,
4 Votos
,4.41 Pontuação
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HOLY SOAP 14/11/2017
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. <br><br>
They undress and step into the showers before they realize
there is no soap. <br><br>
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it,
not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway
down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.. Having no place to ...
0 Comentários, 21 Visualizações,
5 Votos
,5.43 Pontuação
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Elderly Couple 13/11/2017
An elderly couple who were both widowed had been going out
with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends
they decided it was finally time to get married. Before
the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation
regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed
finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the
old gentleman decided it was time to broach the ...
1 Comentários, 26 Visualizações,
8 Votos
,4.41 Pontuação
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This old wino 10/11/2017
This old wino staggers into a bar and the barman immediately
told him to get out. The said that he would only leave
if the barman gave him a cocktail stick. The barman, thinking
this was a fair exchange, gladly gave the man a cocktail
stick and watched him stagger back outside. <br><br>
A minute later another old wino walked into the bar and got
asked to leave by the barman. This ...
1 Comentários, 24 Visualizações,
4 Votos
,4.80 Pontuação
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Frozen Wimdows 6/11/2017
Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning: "Windows frozen." Husband texts back: "pour some luke warm water over it." <br><br>
Wife texts back: <br><br>
<br><br>
"computer completely fucked now."
1 Comentários, 23 Visualizações,
9 Votos
,5.35 Pontuação
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Trouble sleeping 27/10/2017
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office.
"What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
<br><br>
"Well, I, uh, " she stammered. "I think
I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac." <br><br>
"I see, " he said. "I can help you, but
I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour." <br><br>
"That's not ...
1 Comentários, 38 Visualizações,
10 Votos
,3.58 Pontuação
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Jewish Divorce 26/10/2017
A jewish girl calls her mother : 'Mum, I'm getting
a divorce'. 'A divorce? Why?' replied the shocked mother.
'Mum, all he wants his anal sex. I used to have a lovely
little arsehole, the size of a 5p piece. Now its the size
of a 50p piece'. The mother replies 'Sweetie, you have a lovely home,
a Porsche, a platinum credit card and have 4 foreign holidays
a year.... ...
0 Comentários, 21 Visualizações,
2 Votos
,3.81 Pontuação
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50 Years! 18/10/2017
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember
the first time we had sex together over fifty years a go?
We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against
the back fence and I made love to you." Yes. she says. "I remember it well." OK, " he says, "How about taking a stroll around
there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
...
0 Comentários, 24 Visualizações,
8 Votos
,4.64 Pontuação
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Vely Good 15/10/2017
A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City
restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen
seated there are furiously masturbating. <br><br>
She yells, "What the hell do you guys think you are
doing?" <br><br>
One of the Japanese men explains, "Can't you
see? We are all berry hungry." <br><br>
The waitress ...
1 Comentários, 31 Visualizações,
9 Votos
,2.57 Pontuação
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How My Husband Broke His Arms.... 14/10/2017
Last year, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't
run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed,
but somehow the message never sank in. Finally I thought
of a clever way to make the point. <br><br>
When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated
in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair
of sewing scissors. <br><br>
He ...
0 Comentários, 21 Visualizações,
5 Votos
,1.84 Pontuação
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The British Way 12/10/2017
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through
the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to
find a British soldier selling regimental ties. The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well
is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only ...
0 Comentários, 18 Visualizações,
3 Votos
,3.92 Pontuação
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The Atheist and the Bear 11/10/2017
An atheist was walking through the woods. 'What majestic trees'! 'What powerful rivers'! 'What beautiful animals'! He said to himself. <br><br>
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling
in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot
grizzly bear charge towards him. <br><br>
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He ...
0 Comentários, 22 Visualizações,
5 Votos
,4.12 Pontuação
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Fairy Tale 10/10/2017
One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who surprisingly,
did not whine, nag or bitch......... But it was a long time ago..... …and it was just the ONE day. The End
0 Comentários, 10 Visualizações,
0 Votos
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Guy's Logic 10/10/2017
Lady: Do you drink? Man: Yes. <br><br>
Lady: How much a day? Man: Three 6 packs. <br><br>
Lady: How much per 6 pack? Man: About $10.00. <br><br>
Lady: And how long have you been drinking? Man: 15 years. <br><br>
Lady: So one 6 pack costs $10.00, and you have 3 packs a day
which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year,
it would be $10, 800 ...
0 Comentários, 15 Visualizações,
0 Votos
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Fake two dollar bill 9/10/2017
On my way home from the second job I've taken for the
extra holiday cash I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick
bite to eat. In my wallet is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is
all of the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2
bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about
people getting upset with me. <br><br>
ME: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer ...
0 Comentários, 18 Visualizações,
1 Votos
,2.40 Pontuação
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Harrods 8/10/2017
Harrods <br><br>
*A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking
for a job. The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back
home in Dubbo.' The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first
day was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After
the store was locked up, the ...
0 Comentários, 13 Visualizações,
2 Votos
,1.73 Pontuação
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Random Jokes 8/10/2017
Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the
middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and
farting, so I knew I made it home OK! <br><br>
<br><br>
The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for
making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we
should hold auditions for her part. <br><br>
I've accidentally ...
1 Comentários, 15 Visualizações,
2 Votos
,1.04 Pontuação
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Sent Packing 7/10/2017
My wife accused me of being a transvestite. So I packed her
things and left.
0 Comentários, 17 Visualizações,
4 Votos
,4.41 Pontuação
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LAWS OF INEVITABILITY 5/10/2017
LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will
begin to itch or you'll have to pee. LAW OF THE WORKSHOP Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible
corner. LAW OF PROBABILITY The probability of being watched is directly proportional
to the stupidity of your act. LAW OF THE TELEPHONE If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. LAW ...
0 Comentários, 11 Visualizações,
1 Votos
,2.40 Pontuação
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The Wedding Night 3/10/2017
Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional
Ital ian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying
at her mother's house, she was a very nervous. Her mother reassured her, "Don't worry, Maria,
John’s a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care
of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta." So, uppa she went. When she got upstairs, John took off ...
0 Comentários, 18 Visualizações,
3 Votos
,2.94 Pontuação
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TAKING A WOMAN TO BED 29/9/2017
What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18,
28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78 ? <br><br>
. At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story. At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed. <br><br>
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her
to bed. <br><br>
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed. <br><br> ...
0 Comentários, 15 Visualizações,
4 Votos
,1.69 Pontuação
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A Few Thoughts For You 29/9/2017
• Those who can laugh without cause have either found
the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving
mad. Norm Papernick • Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, while
dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons? • Why is the man who invests all your money called a 'Broker'?
• Why isn't there a mouse flavoured cat food? • Why do they call the airport ...
1 Comentários, 14 Visualizações,
4 Votos
,3.63 Pontuação
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The Lonely Widow 29/9/2017
Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent
over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that
she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly,
she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision
to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken
in the first place. Not wanting to miss ...
0 Comentários, 18 Visualizações,
4 Votos
,2.86 Pontuação
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Another Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman Joke 29/9/2017
There's an Englishman, Irishman & a Scotsman
all talking about their teenage daughters. The Englishman says "I was cleaning my 's
room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes.
I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes".
The Scotsman says "That's nothing. I was cleaning
my 's room the other day when I came across
a half full bottle ...
0 Comentários, 15 Visualizações,
2 Votos
,1.04 Pontuação
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